Keeping Up Appearances

When I was a young teenager in 1999, I remember a particular Sports Illustrated being delivered to my house with  Shaquille O’Neal and rapper Ice Cube on the front cover.  The caption read:  “Why athletes want to be rappers and rockers, and rappers and rockers want to be athletes.”  This statement has never, ever been more true.  As the years have gone on, athletes and entertainers are becoming homogenized to every degree.  You don’t have to look far, especially when it comes to Hip Hop artists.  Some recent overt examples are mega-star rapper Lil Wayne making entire songs dedicated to the Los Angeles Lakers and Green Bay Packers and Jay-Z paying the Kentucky basketball team a visit in their locker room moments after an Elite Eight win of North Carolina. The most popular members of the Hip Hop industry sit court side at all the biggest games and, most importantly, everyone must look the part…at any cost.  That’s why I wasn’t really surprised when 1st team all knuckle-head Dez Bryant found himself back in the news this week for Blowing Money Fast (Rick Ross reference) on his bling bling.  Remember that scene from Spike Lee’s film ‘He Got Game’ when the Italian agent attempts to entice high school baller Jesus Shuttlesworth with a Rolex watch with what he describes: “Platinum and diamonds.  It’s like having speed and power.  That’s a $36,000 watch.  That’s like having a Corvette on your wrist.”  Well said.  I guess we all get the point of stars ‘getting their shine on’, but what I don’t think we fully understand is the lengths that these guys will go to show you and I how many ‘Corvettes’ they can hang from themselves at once.  A perfect example is Kendall Langford of the Miami Dolphins.  Do you remember the story of a player losing his $50,000 earring on the practice field, causing him and his teammates to comb the grass with rakes (seen right)? Well that’s my boy Kendall.  Dude was in his first year in the NFL and spent nearly 20% of his salary on those lobe-lights.  Think about what you would spend 20% of your yearly earnings on.  It’s probably not disco balls for your ears.  What these guys fail to realize is that those Hip Hop stars they see in the videos can usually afford the ice, and often times it’s even rented or borrowed jewelry!  But as I said, looking the part is often more important to these guys than their own reality.  So anyway, back to Dallas’s Dez Bryant.  Good ol Dezzie made 2.8 million in base salary and bonuses last season and another $50,000 from an endorsement with Under Armor.  Now I’ve never been a math wiz (Anything that can be done with a calculator is my specialty, and not those big ones with all the signs that look like hieroglyphics), but I don’t think Bryant can afford the outstanding loan of $850,000 he borrowed in order to floss his bling and be seen court side (Which is what the details of the debt entail).  Isn’t that approximately 30% of his earnings?  No wonder these guys declare bankruptcy so often.  It can’t be cheap to get a custom made ’88’ chain that reads ‘Dez’ within the numbers (seen left).  Could you imagine what he spent on his cars and his home if he’s spending $850K on the extra long Jesus pieces dripping from his neck?  Hot Damn!  For whatever reason I doubt he tucked money away for his kids’ college fund.  I normally consider myself a sympathetic guy, but when it comes to Dez Bryant, and others like him, I have none.  So in spirit of his poor decisions and for the sake of our humor, lets take a peek at three of my favorite, most outrageous, offensive, ‘look-at-me’ type jewelry.

This is my boy Rick Ross.  A rapper who by every account can floss with the best of them.  Normal chains just won’t do when you’re talking about ‘Ricky Rozay’.  This fat rapping gangster had a custom chain made of…yes, you see it…Rick Ross!!!!  I always thought that anyone besides the President  getting a picture of themselves painted was weird enough, but getting your own face blasted with white and yellow gold and diamonds, in the form of a necklace, then turning around and wearing it yourself is behavior that I can only respond to with a salute.  But not to be outdone, Mr. Ross went and out did himself.  Wearing a necklace with just one of your faces seems a bit understated in the eyes of the “Teflon Don”, so dude went and got a specially made chain that has the upper body of Rick Ross wearing another chain of… Rick Ross!!!! Don’t act like you don’t see it calling your name on the right of the screen.  And to answer the question you should have just asked yourself: Yes, when he wears this on his chest, we’re talking three Rick Ross’s, total.  Just envision yourself having enough moxy to rock a chain of yourself, rocking another chain of yourself!! LEGENDARY.

Meet the rapper Camron (left).  Now meet his necklaces.  After the 31st chain I lost count of how many this clown was wearing.  After seeing this picture I’m almost embarrassed to say that I’ve liked a few of his songs over the years.  But never as embarrassed as his mother must be for her son looking like he had all of Egypt poured on his chest.  Killa-Cam’s lyrics mostly consist of his running tally of women, the amount of money he’s willing to throw up in the air, how easily he’ll pull out a gun, and of course, how many chains he has and you don’t.  There’s only one other ‘Fool’ that takes the cake concerning the amount of Nantucket that can be worn at one time.  Do I even have to say his name?


I’ve saved the best for last.  The following man is a walking stand-up comedian, although he doesn’t know it.  The name:  Gucci Mane.  That’s the equivalent of re-naming myself Poppa Polo, or ‘Hella-Hilfiger’.  Why Gucci has become one of the most popular Hip Hop artists, we’ll never know.  But what we do know about “Gucci Mane the G” is that his jewelry must be imported from another planet.  This man makes Dez Bryant look like Pee Wee Herman.  What you see to the left of your screen is real.  Gucci gives new meaning to being ‘frosted’.  A Frosted Flakes necklace covered in Fruity Pebble-esque stones!?!?! If I didn’t see it myself I wouldn’t believe it.  Can we even call this jewelry?  When you’re eligible to eat out of your necklace, you deserve your own category.  To further build the image, Gucci is seen in this photo wearing his pants backwards and also has the EA Sports video game logo tattooed across his throat.  Respect.  Gucci’s entire life work seems to be poured into being “Icy”.  Not only was that the title of one of his hit singles, but he literally went out and got a tattoo of a triple scoop ice cream cone inked into his freaking face!  Are you understanding who we’re dealing with yet?  Dude is a mainstream artist!  Can you imagine what your grandparents would have said?  To think that just 45 years ago, older Americans were concerned about long hair and the Beatles’ rebellious attitude.  Gucci makes the Beatles look like the Teletubbies.  To top it all off, Gucci has lightning bolts shooting from the Ice Cream, with the word “Brrrrr” under it, a phrase that he consistently yells out in between lyrics.  He does this to remind us that he’s so icy, he’s metaphorically shivering.  And that’s not a joke.  Welcome to 2011.


5 Responses to Keeping Up Appearances

  1. T 5e says:

    Love this story! Highlights how ridiculous some of these entertainers have gotten. Unfortunately these are the men who the youth have to look up to. Congrats on the page and keep the posts coming!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Gucci mane might be the most ridiculous human being alive

  3. Anonymous says:

    favorite post yet. hilarious stuff!

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