Mall Rats

One of my favorite terms in the English language is ‘Mall Rat’.  Think about the term fundamentally.  It’s hilarious.  I’ve always been in awe of those kids who chillax in the mall for what seems like days on end.  The boys just checking out the chicks that pass by, whispering what they would do to them if they had the chance, or the girls with the struggling self image laughing way too loud just to get your attention and make you wonder what it could be that has them in stitches.  There’s two different categories of mall rats.  You can usually find them either decked out in their all black gothic gear, with oversized metal or plastic that’s been driven through their face and ears, or those who just roll with the too-cool-for-school, G-funk approach.  Both looks are staples for any mall worth a damn.  Wide receiver, and millionaire, Dez Bryant from the Dallas Cowboys is grabbing headlines and the attention of the high-end North Mall security in Dallas for acting a fool.  For what you ask?  Shoplifting?  Denied credit card? Nope.  Try busting a sag.  Yes, thats right.  The over-sagging of his entourage’s jeans and flaunting of their underwear ‘forced’ security to come and ask Dezzie’s crew to yank those oversized Polo’s northward.  It sounds to me like Dez Bryant and his clique fall in the category of the G-Funk mall rat.  When stopped by mall security, Dez reportedly was cursing, refused to leave, and then went and did what anyone in a dispute with mall security would do…he strong armed the system and hogged the fire lane outside of the entrance.  His street cred skyrocketed.  First of all, mall security is something in itself to marvel at.  Anyone wearing black pants and a blue shirt is qualified.  The training required is knowing how to operate a flashlight, being able to open the change hub in the arcade in case quarters get jammed and having the endurance to lug around that key ring with enough keys on it to open every single door in the Northeast.  If you find yourself in any sort of a dispute with mall security, like Dez Bryant did, just roll with what they say.  You don’t want to be that guy arguing with security over how much of your undies should be allowed to drip out your jeans.  A wise man once told me, “don’t argue with fools, because people at a distance can’t tell who is who.”  In this case, Dez Bryant was the fool.  But not just for this incident.   Since this dispute, Dez Bryant’s  history of repeated mall-based rebellion has been leaked to the public.  Some of Dez’s past ‘mall-marks’ include having police get involved in a situation where he apparently cut in line.  Some things should never be mixed.  Oil and milk, orange juice and toothpaste, and the police getting involved for someone who is cutting in line.  Another major disturbance was when police were called to the mall over a dispute between Dez and an unknown woman in a mall restuarant.  And of course, parking in the fire lane, which I’m sure Dez thought was his reserved spot.  Dez Bryant is first-team all mall rat.  Being the researcher I am, I had to check out the definition of a mall rat in my Bible, better known as the Urban Dictionary.  I cant be making this definition up:  “A surly teenager who spends all of his or her time at the mall with friends. Typically seen standing around glaring at customers — sometimes these fascinating creatures will pick fights with mall security and call them “fascists” for enforcing the mall’s loitering bylaws. Also often seen intimidating the elderly people in the clothing stores, they flock back to the “baggy pants with mile-long wallet-chain” section of the clothing store when an employee threatens to call the police.”  This is wayyy too funny not to be true.  And wayyy too accurate not to be Dez.  I can’t be too critical, because there was a time when the mall was the best option on a Friday night, and busting a mean sag in my Hilfigers seemed like a solid idea…But then age 16 or 17  rolled around and I checked myself out in a full length mirror on my way to the mall for a Timberland run (Not that there’s anything wrong with Timbs), and I realized this wasn’t working.   Reports that followed Bryant’s incident claim that he was banned from the North Mall in Dallas for three months, but Dez (seen left chucking up the dueces) and his camp deny that report.  And in true mall rat fashion, Dez Bryant hopped on his Twitter and claimed he would be back at that very mall the very next day to “…get these Lebrons.”  You go Dez, you go. 

9 Responses to Mall Rats

  1. Anonymous says:

    Zach I heard some Saint Rose ballers were kicked off the team! Any truth to that?

  2. Anonymous says:

    Zach I heard a couple of saint rose ballers got kicked off the team! Whats up with that is there any truth to that?

  3. James says:


  4. Daily Reader says:

    By far your funniest blog post and arguably the best overall yet

  5. Dan R. says:

    HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS MAN!! ….nope, try busting a sag….LOL

  6. Slim Jim says:

    HAHAHAHA i wanna lick that guys lumps in his head

  7. Nate says:

    Definitely one of your best Zach.

  8. Anonymous says:

    this post was crazy funny – the article itself was funny enough but the pictures just put it on such another level that Paul Blart, Mall Cop, would be proud

  9. Anonymous says:

    Not only is this clearly the funniest of Byesline’s posts, this is one of the funniest blog articles I have EVER read, period. I was in stitches the entire time, well played Byesline.

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